Alan Moir: A day in the life…

Alan Moir: Moir's World, Columnists, Comment — By JMorrison on 10/06/2011 5:34 pm

IT is Sunday afternoon and I am considering a list of the things I have to do.

Fix Vienna Regulator clock hanging in dining room – it keeps good time for being 130 years old but has endearing habit of striking the hours out of sync with actual time. Try to remember what dad said; mechanical engineer, has explained why this probably happens, throughout his explanation maintained eye contact and nodded understanding but still don’t have clue how to fix. Consult books on clock repair – phone dad if get stuck with pile of cogs and springs of valuable clock reduced to kit form.

Revarnish window frames – task scheduled for last summer but didn’t get done because tedious, mindnumbing. Only slightly more attractive activity than colonic irrigation or root canal treatment; takes more time but at least no rubber tubes or drills involved.

Sort storm doors – again, scheduled for last year. Sun shines through cracks in doors and paint flaking off revealing preferred colours from last 50 years.

Need paint stripper and/or heat gun; neither safe in my hands perched up a ladder planted at the top of steps leading up from pavement. Has potential to be spectator sport for folks wandering past on way to the park/pub, remember last time; practice swan dive technique. Consider placing mattress on steps to cushion fall.

Sort curtain in back bedroom. Needs replaced due to months of cats clawing it aside to jump onto window sill; resulting shredded effect would send any interior designer into dark pit of despair plus kids from close can keek in wideeyed at generally unmade bed and pile of dirty washing or worse. Must think of the children, set example: make bed, do washing, wear pyjamas.

Fix driver’s window of car – for last couple of weeks has been making disturbing grinding noise as window goes up and down. Is mechanism eating itself? Now winds up window to stop short of being shut; becoming repository for chip wrappers, fag ends and beer cans.

Sort scratches on both sides of car probably made by drunken people falling into/ sliding along car. Sort scratch on side of Lynne’s car, also probably scratched by drunken people as above.

Install CCTV to monitor streetbased car-related vandalising activities above. If don’t get round to fixing car window print notice for people using car as dustbin so know being recorded. (Q: will drunk people read notice?)

Fix surround of clock face in bathroom, which is on the brink of falling off clock. It’s hanging directly above door; high risk of falling off due to vibration of door opening/closing, therefore high risk of whacking someone on head.

Check first aid supplies in bathroom cabinet just in case of head injury (NB open and close bathroom door with care).

Investigate remortgaging options as mortgage deal comes to end in seven weeks. Note, property value drops if rotting window frames fall out due to lack of varnishing, onstreet parking carries high risk of vandalised cars for potential buyer, and cats use curtains and costly architectural salvage doors as scratching posts – add sort scratches on doors to list.

Consider actual written todo list as holding all necessary work in head proving too difficult. Don’t want to do todo list as reminds self of work todo list which currently runs to two pages; doing list is itself activity to add to the list of things to do. Briefly think about infinite regression of todo lists but stop self thinking before brain goes into permanent loop. Feel dizzy. Note to self: remember not think about todo lists whilst on top of ladder at top of steps – very, very important to practise swan dive.

Read Sunday papers. (NB knowing what’s going on in world low priority).

Cook dinner; lots of chopping required; try not to have risotto texture of porridge this time.

Cut grass – it is as high as an elephant’s eye, as long as the elephant is unnaturally small. Is vandalism to cars neighbourhood protest at property values dropping due to unkempt garden, poorly maintained window frames and dirty laundry on display? Also, ambulance turning up to treat head injury not good; self being led down steps with blood spurting from head wound unlikely to raise opinion of neighbours.

All not helped by weekend not starting until 2pm on Saturday due to attending organisation’s board meeting. Looking forward to Thursday and Friday off this week.

Realise can tick “write TFN column” off list.

Make cup of tea.

Eat chocolate.

Add “get life” to list.

amoir@epilepsyscotland.org.uk

Tags: Alan Moir, Fix Vienna Regulator, NB, TFN 639 - 10 June 2011, work